Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
