either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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