Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish you could order shots online.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
