Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
