she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
