i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
