I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
