Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
