You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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