I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
birth control should be required to get into college
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
