i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
