does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
