in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
