i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
