He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
