My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
