looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
