Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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