I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
