I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
