i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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