Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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