They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize