Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
