i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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