I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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