3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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