did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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