i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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