I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
