He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
