Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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