I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
