the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
