gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize