I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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