Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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