apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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