woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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