I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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