Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
