i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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