after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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