dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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