I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
