I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
