Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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