I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
