just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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