dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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