probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize