the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
