dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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