Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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