it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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