She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
