I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
