I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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