What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
what day is it and did you see me today?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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