I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
