omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
