Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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