cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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