He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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