He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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