Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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