The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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