I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
